my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
