saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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