im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Less talking, more tequila
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
