the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
