You don't have asthma, your pregnant
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
