regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
