According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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