Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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