omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
