dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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