when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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