Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
