Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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