yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
