Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
