I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
