update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
