I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I would fuck him just for his dog
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