just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
