I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
