Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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