i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
