(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
