omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
