I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
