3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
