I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Every concussion has its silver lining
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
