Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
