Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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