this beer tastes like vomit already
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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