Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
