then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
