Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
