I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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