I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
