If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
