people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
