The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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