If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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