i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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