I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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