Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
