Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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