I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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