I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
