I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
