just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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