I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We're too hungover to prance.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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