we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
