Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
